


wide awake before i found you

by shoceted



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, M/M, Multiple Time Periods, Period-Typical Homophobia, Political Unrest, True Love's Kiss, betweenyouandme, some kind of immortality/reincarnation/soulmate au...thing im sorry for this lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 08:52:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8321653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoceted/pseuds/shoceted
Summary: Seungcheol searches for Jihoon for years, but he only gets to keep him after a few tries.





	

**1.**

Seungcheol watches Jihoon die in Spring.

It's Spring, and the world is beautiful; flowers bloom, the weather warms up, the sky turns blue. It's Spring, and Seungcheol doesn't know how many years he'll live after this one, not yet. 

He doesn't think he knows much in general, really. But he knows Jihoon.

Jihoon who's short; Jihoon who has a good singing voice, when he lets Seungcheol hear it; Jihoon who lets Seungcheol hold his hand, if his parents are in the other room and there's no chance they'll get caught. 

Jihoon who hates the world they live in so much; Jihoon who wants better for both of them. "There's going to be another demonstration," he says, eyes shining. "In a few days. I think this one might actually...you know, change something."

"Are you sure? I heard what happened on the last one." Seungcheol looks at Jihoon, concerned. "I don't want anything to happen to you."

Jihoon rests his head on Seungcheol's shoulder. "I know."

"But you're still going to go, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"Should've known." 

"And you're not gonna go with me, are you?" Jihoon asks, intertwining his fingers with Seungcheol's. There's something in his voice that sounds unsure - something that makes Seungcheol almost, almost want to go with him, or at least to say more to make him stay.

But instead, he shakes his head, just a little. "I would if I could, but I can't."

Jihoon nods.  "That's fair. I don't want anything happening to you either, you know?"

And Seungcheol smiles and squeezes Jihoon's hand, because as far as he knows, Jihoon will come back from the protest battered at best. He doesn't expect the police to open fire on the protestors, or for Jihoon to crumple down on the concrete, because it's Spring, and the world is beautiful.

(But it can't be  _that_ beautiful if he's alive and Jihoon isn't.)

* * *

**2.**

He's alive and Jihoon isn't, years later. He's kept his nose out of trouble and he hasn't thought of him in years - 

Except, no, he's thought about Jihoon more times than he can count. It's because, all these years later, he looks 19, and whenever he looks in the mirror, he sees the guy who let the love of his life die. He sees that person and his heart breaks.

But he can't just live in heartbreak - he has to just  _live,_ because he probably won't die any time soon. He reminds himself of this as he walks down the street - a sad love song is playing from the window of the record shop, and it's a little bit irritating, but the singer means what they're saying. He doesn't even have a record player, but...

He walks into the store and looks around. There doesn't seem to be anyone at the counter, so he walks over, hands in his pockets. "Uh, excuse me?" 

"Hold on just a second!" a voice replies, from behind some shelves. Seungcheol turns around to look at its source, because even though it can't be Jihoon, it sounds just like his voice. And it can't be Jihoon, but it looks like Jihoon. 

And so when not-Jihoon walks up and looks up at Seungcheol, he's speechless.

"...Sorry," he says, after too long of a pause. "I, ah, was just wondering what that song you were playing was? I'd like to purchase it." (His speech is awkward and formal - more than anything else,  he just wants to slip into the familiar words he used with Jihoon. But this isn't Jihoon, it's his doppelganger, or whatever - he can't let himself slip.)

"Oh, that's  _Becoming Alone_ by Byun Jinsub," Not-Jihoon replies. "I think I have some tapes in the back -"

"No, no, that's alright. I'd actually like it on vinyl, if that's possible." 

"Vinyl?" 

"Yeah." Seungcheol shrugs. "I'm kind of old-fashioned, I guess."

Something flashes in Jihoon's eyes. He hesitates.  _Maybe he remembers you,_ Seungcheol thinks,  _just maybe -_

But Not-Jihoon just shakes his head. "Of course. I'll get that for you right away."

Seungcheol buys the record and leaves the shop with his heart in his stomach.

* * *

 

**3.**

Ten years later, he meets Jihoon again. 

Except he's not Jihoon; he introduces himself as  _Woozi_ and he's in a band, as the lead singer. He's got his hair slicked up and thick eyeliner around his eyes. They're singing songs about rebelling against society on a street corner in Hongdae one night, and Seungcheol wants to cry, because it's like nothing's changed. They sound loud and gritty and  _angry_ , and Seungcheol loves it.

"That was pretty amazing," Seungcheol says, walking over to Woozi with a smile. "It's not every day you hear stuff like that. It was kind of awesome."

Woozi smiles. "Thanks. It's really great to hear that," he replies, smiling. "I write most of our stuff, so hearing that...it's really great."

Jihoon had a notebook filled with lyrics that he never let Seungcheol read. Of course. "It was great," Seungcheol reiterates.

"Thanks. Hey, we have some stuff out, if you want to buy it," he adds. "CDs, shirts, a vinyl..."

"A vinyl? Really?"  Seungcheol raises his eyebrows.

"I know it's old-fashioned, but..." Woozi shrugs. "I just felt like it was the right thing to do."

_He remembers me,_ Seungcheol thinks.  _He remembers at least a little, he has to, because otherwise - otherwise..._

"Anyway," Woozi says, snapping Seungcheol out of his reverie. "It's all available for order on seventeen.co.kr."

"Yeah, of course," agrees Seungcheol. Woozi nods and waves as he walks away.

The vinyl comes a week after Seungcheol orders it, but he never sees Woozi again.

* * *

 

**4.**

Jihoon had always wanted to be a singer, and his voice was beautiful; sometimes, if Seungcheol's asleep, he can still hear it.

But Seungcheol doesn't sleep much anymore. He can't count all the years he's been alive, trapped at 19, trapped in a love that he himself completely messed up. He's seen on the news about the way things are changing in America, little by little, but that's America. 

He hasn't left Korea, though he's travelled around it, and admittedly, he spends a lot of time in Busan. It's Jihoon's hometown, after all. He likes how it's close to the sea, and he likes how the people talk, and he likes how it reminds him of Jihoon.

It's not like he hasn't been with other men since he lost Jihoon, because he has. (He's still physically 19, after all.) He knows where to look, where he can go without being ashamed of himself; things have come far since hiding from Jihoon's parents in his room.

But none of those guys are Jihoon. Sometimes he sees people in crowds that might be him - the right height, the little flashes of his grin - but he tells himself it'll hurt less if he doesn't look, and that this whole "eternal life" thing will be better if he forgets about Jihoon completely.

* * *

**5.**

But the universe - who Seungcheol's beginning to have less and less faith in - throws them together, again. He's at his usual bar on New Year's Eve, welcoming the new decade with whiskey. He's making idle chatter with the bartender, who's being receptive enough, when someone slides into the seat next to him.

It's Not-Jihoon, again - but obviously not, since the first Not-Jihoon would be in his thirties. He's also taller and skinnier and blonde, but it's him, all over again. "I'd like a Tom Collins, please," he says, not looking in Seungcheol's direction. But fuck it - he's not letting this chance slip away. 

"That's not very festive, is it?" He asks. (It's not his  _best_ pick up line, but seeing as he's already pretty tipsy, he's actually fairly pleased with himself.)

"Neither's whiskey," Not-Not-Jihoon replies. "Or being at a random bar in Busan on New Year's Eve."

"And yet, we're both here. Might as well celebrate, right?" 

"Depends on what you think celebrating means." 

"It means," says Seungcheol, leaning in a little closer, "that I buy the two of us flutes of champagne."

"And that's more festive than whiskey and a Tom Collins?" Not-Not-Jihoon asks. (He's trying to sound serious, but he's grinning a little - like Jihoon used to when they'd do something guaranteed to get the two of them in trouble. Seungcheol's heart soars.)

"Yep. Or I could just drink all that champagne by myself, which would be a waste." Seungcheol shrugs. "It's up to you."

"Then I say...you should hurry up and buy those drinks already. We aren't getting any younger," Not-Not-Jihoon affirms. 

_Oh, you don't know just how true that is,_ Seungcheol thinks. "Jeonghan," he says, "You hear that?"

"Two champagnes. On the house," the bartender replies, with a wink. 

Seungcheol grins as Jeonghan hands him the champagnes. "A toast," he says. "To...new beginnings."

"New beginnings," Not-Not-Jihoon echoes. They clink their glasses and take long, long sips of their drinks.

The countdown on the bar's TV begins.  _10, 9..._

"...What's your name?" Seungcheol asks. "I'm Choi Seungcheol."

"Lee Jihoon." 

Seungcheol opens his mouth and closes it. It's not his Jihoon, it can't be, but...

But there are five seconds until 2010, and he is not going to waste them. "Lee Jihoon," Seungcheol repeats. "Happy New Year."

The fireworks go off; the bar erupts in cheers; the entire world ushers in a new start. He leans in and kisses not his Jihoon, public be damned. It's not forceful, but it's strong, and he tries to make it spell  _I have missed you so, so much._

When he pulls away, Jihoon is staring at him, open mouthed. "...Seungcheol?" he says, finally.

Seungcheol pulls Jihoon in close and rests his head on his shoulder. He's crying - they're both crying. The world is beautiful, flowers bloom, the weather warms up, the sky turns blue. 

It's January when Seungcheol finds his Jihoon again, but they both know that it's really Spring.

* * *

**(+1)**

"So tell me why you didn't kiss me in the record shop, again?" Jihoon asks. 

"It was the 80s. And I was confused," Seungcheol explains, tossing a pillow at him. 

"The 80s are not an excuse."

"They're  _totally_ an excuse."

"And you bought that boring ballad song -" 

"I missed you! It reminded me of you. The lyrics." 

Jihoon sighs. "That's the cheesiest thing I've heard in this life."

"Well, I'll have to top that, then." Seungcheol rolls over to face Jihoon, smiling. 

"Good luck with that," Jihoon replies, with a scoff. But he still intertwines his fingers with Seungcheol's under the sheets. 

Seungcheol smiles and squeezes his hand. "I think I have enough time to at least try."

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from The 1975's "This Must Be My Dream".
> 
> athazagoraphobia, n. the fear of forgetting, being forgotten or ignored, or being replaced.  
> hezschmerz, n. heartache; an emotional pain in the heart.
> 
>  
> 
> (I meant to write so much more than this but...here we are. Unbeta'd.)


End file.
